god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
