I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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