Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
