Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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