you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
