well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
