there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
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I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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