Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
