It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
