i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
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WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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