A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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