can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
