my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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