my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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