it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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