there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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