i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
