all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
