I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
