Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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