the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
