3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
