me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize