i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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