I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
