So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
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you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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