please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
