I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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