my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
