I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related