I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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