i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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