He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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