my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
