And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Randomize
