she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
