He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
