had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
