You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
