Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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