WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
