you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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