he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
