My cat gives me a boner
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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