Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
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Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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