For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
