Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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