There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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