MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
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If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.