What did we do last night that was yellow?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.