Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
