i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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