You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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