I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
