Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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