i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
