She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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